Japan-aholic

A blog about culture and love in Japan

The Downsides Of Long Distance Relationships (LDR)

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Although I already wrote a post about long distance relationships and what it takes to make them work, I didn’t specify much on the things that can/will happen if you enter an LDR. After being two years in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend Hitomi, we’re somewhat “veterans” of LDR’s problems. Hitomi and I have been through a lot during those past years and it wasn’t always easy. Let me share with you the 5 most common problems you could encounter if you decide to give long distance relationships a try.

(Next time, I might try writing something positive about LDRs, for once! This topic is getting too negative, I’m sorry. But this is how it is!)

1. You will feel lonely

The first thing to come up in this list is obviously the loneliness. Although you have more time for yourself, being in a LDR also means dealing with the fact that you’re totally and completely alone. Even when you hear your lover’s voice or see them on Skype, even when you say out loud “I miss you” and they reply “I miss you too”, it doesn’t really help. You will still be alone when you’ll wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night — and all the time in between. It doesn’t really get better; you just sort of get used to it. 

I love hugging, cuddling and kissing (but then again, who doesn’t?). The lack of intimacy in a long distance relationship can therefore be pretty hard on me.

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The cutest thing: two owls cuddling!

2. You might get paranoid

You can also get very paranoid when you’re not physically with the person you love. “Is he alright? Did I say something wrong? Why isn’t he answering? Oh my God, he’s going to leave me!” and all those kind of insecurities are, I think, a lot more important in LDRs. I myself often have small panic moments when I think he’s having doubts about us or something along those lines. When it happens, I call him or say I’m lonely (which is, as I said, not helping at all) and try to make him talk about things he probably didn’t even think about.

And because Hitomi is not a talkative person, sometimes I’m afraid he’s hiding things from me — as a Westerner, it can feel like hiding when somebody doesn’t talk about what they do or think. It’s probably sort of a cultural difference between the two of us, but distance is really not helping on that matter. Those panic moments can also lead to miscommunication, because I hear what I expected to hear and then I freak out. I need him to reassure me everything’s alright from time to time. I personally think that’s the worst side effect of doing the long distance.

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Hitomi takes really awesome pictures from time to time!

And although I’ve never really been through that, I know jealousy can also play a huge part in LDRs. During my panic moments, I guess I could be jealous if the opportunity ever arose, because everyone knows jealousy is all about being insecure (if you have no reason to be jealous). I’m just lucky it never happened.

3. Being in a LDR can bring the worst in you

And it probably will.

What I mean by “the worst in you” is all those insecurities you had with your previous partners will increase tenfold. If you were jealous, dependant, or would get angry easily in your previous relationships, don’t expect it to be better in a long distance one. It brings the worst in you because most of the time, you are alone and second-guessing your relationship. “Is it all worth it? Does he/she still love me? Is he/she with someone else right now?” are common thoughts you’ll go through. Somehow, not being able to see the person and be physically with them leads to more insecurities. So if you were already a very insecure person, again, I suggest you think twice before starting an LDR.

That being said, I really think that doing the long distance can lead to a good experience. You will learn how to deal with life on your own by being independant, and that’s always a good thing. You also have to try harder to understand each other, because communication is all you have in a long distance relationship.

4. Miscommunications are more likely to happen

Miscommunication and fights are, like in any relationships, part of the LDR. I kind of like (soft) fighting when it’s done the good way, because I think it’s important to continually try to readjust ourselves in the relationship and also know when something is not ok. What I don’t like is the fact that in a long distance relationship, you can just go away from your computer when you don’t want to talk about something. It makes the “fights” a lot less real and productive. Sometimes I would like to take Hitomi’s face in my hands, make him look at me and say “What’s wrong?”, perfectly knowing that he can’t escape. But in a long distance relationship, it’s different; he can always escape if he wants to — and I dislike it very much.

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In Chichibu, a couple of weeks ago

5. You might feel useless

Another awful point is; sometimes you might feel like you’re not a part of your partner’s life. I surely feel that way sometimes. Don’t get me wrong — I know I’m important for him and that he cares about me. But it seems that because you were not there when this or that happened, you feel a bit “out of it”, and sometimes useless. I know it might sounds too motherly, but when he’s sick, I just wished I could take care of him properly instead of just saying “I hope you get better soon”.

All right now, I know it seems like there’s a lot more bad sides than good sides. Well, I don’t have an excuse for that; long distance relationships suck, no matter how you put it. Sorry about that. That being said, there is one special thing that I had never felt in my entire life before doing the LDR; and that’s the moment when you see the person you love after a long period of time being apart. I can’t express how it feels; you got to live it to understand. Just think of all the love you felt in your life, and put it all together at the same time for one person. It is hands down one of the strongest feeling I’ve ever had.

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Have you guys every been in a long distance relationship? How did it work out for you? Don’t be afraid to share your LDR story in the comments!

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Author: Jasmine

Jasmine is a 20-something years old French-Canadian student and part-time blogger who loves traveling, drawing, listening to (all kind of) music and eating (everything). To achieve one of her biggest dream, she went in Japan for two months and a half as a tourist in 2013. She was an exchange student at Daito Bunka University in Saitama (near Tokyo) during the year 2014 - 2015. She is now studying to eventually become a nurse back in Canada, so she lacks time to write about Japan. You can still read all her posts on her blog, since she'll let them there for you to enjoy :)

16 thoughts on “The Downsides Of Long Distance Relationships (LDR)

  1. Everything here is spot on. I can relate to it all. Do you think women experience these feelings of loneliness and insecurity more than men do? I wrote an advice post today. I may write about the up sides of LDRs next. 5 Unusual Tips for a Successful Long Distance Relationship
    http://wp.me/p1FZja-Qe

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    • I don’t know if, as women, we experience loneliness and insecurity more than men do in a long distance relationship. I think it really depends on the personality! I definitely experience it more than my boyfriend, but it might be because I do a lot of introspection, while he is an “action” guy.
      Good post, by the way! 🙂 And yeah, we should write about the upsides sometimes, to bring a bit of positivity in all this!
      Thanks for you comment!

      Like

  2. My husband and I were long-distance for a year, before we got engaged. The hardest thing for us was the uncertainty: we didn’t have our futures decided and there were so many “ifs” and “maybes” in the first six months of long distance. Once we got plans underway, it was so much easier…being able to look forward to the date when we could meet again helped a lot. The anxiety of things being up in the air was tough!

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    • I understand that! I’m looking forward to next year’s April, when Hitomi will come living in Canada. Finally, the end date is decided and getting nearer 😀 I think that’s very important to stay sane!

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  3. I’ve never been good with LDR. Of course there is a distance, but also (I don’t know if it’s only me) I need “real” proof of love. Not words, real acts. It’s quite hard to make that happen when you’re fare from your loved one :p
    4 months was the maximum I could wait, (visiting him 3 times!) then I moved! Couldn’t wait any longer, it was that or the end of the relationship… (I didn’t put it like that tho :p )
    Some would say I’m impatient, (and it’s probably true) but really I can’t make anything work if I’m not there to “live the love” IRL :p Am I a bad person? Maybe. But I can’t help it.

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  4. This is all so true! I am so glad that my LDR is ending soon… It’s so hard being away from one another, but honestly when people ask me what I’m excited for when we move in together, I just say simple things like watching a movie together on the couch or going grocery shopping together. I think as hard as it is, having people who understand is really good (people who try to sympathize, though, and who have no idea what it’s like can make you feel even more isolated, however) and it makes it easier to find gratitude in the small pleasures. I’m so happy you wrote this because I’ve been really down about the same kind of stuff. I wish both of us the best!

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  5. 😦
    I’m sorry to hear that. Yeah, LDRs really do suck.

    I’m so glad I made it through mine but OH MAN I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT EVER AGAIN.

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    • Yeah, I keep telling myself “Only 10 more months, and then it’s over”. We’ll be closing the distance when he’ll come living in Canada, and I hope we never have to be apart ever again for longer than a couple of days or weeks at most hahaha

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  6. Sing got paranoid on a different level – that I might get killed, so if I slept too long he was afraid someone broke in to my parents’ home and killed us all. Still, he’s a sweet, weird guy 😀
    great post!

    Liked by 2 people

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