Although I already wrote a post about long distance relationships and what it takes to make them work, I didn’t specify much on the things that can/will happen if you enter an LDR. After being two years in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend Hitomi, we’re somewhat “veterans” of LDR’s problems. Hitomi and I have been through a lot during those past years and it wasn’t always easy. Let me share with you the 5 most common problems you could encounter if you decide to give long distance relationships a try.
(Next time, I might try writing something positive about LDRs, for once! This topic is getting too negative, I’m sorry. But this is how it is!)
1. You will feel lonely
The first thing to come up in this list is obviously the loneliness. Although you have more time for yourself, being in a LDR also means dealing with the fact that you’re totally and completely alone. Even when you hear your lover’s voice or see them on Skype, even when you say out loud “I miss you” and they reply “I miss you too”, it doesn’t really help. You will still be alone when you’ll wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night — and all the time in between. It doesn’t really get better; you just sort of get used to it.
I love hugging, cuddling and kissing (but then again, who doesn’t?). The lack of intimacy in a long distance relationship can therefore be pretty hard on me.
2. You might get paranoid
You can also get very paranoid when you’re not physically with the person you love. “Is he alright? Did I say something wrong? Why isn’t he answering? Oh my God, he’s going to leave me!” and all those kind of insecurities are, I think, a lot more important in LDRs. I myself often have small panic moments when I think he’s having doubts about us or something along those lines. When it happens, I call him or say I’m lonely (which is, as I said, not helping at all) and try to make him talk about things he probably didn’t even think about.
And because Hitomi is not a talkative person, sometimes I’m afraid he’s hiding things from me — as a Westerner, it can feel like hiding when somebody doesn’t talk about what they do or think. It’s probably sort of a cultural difference between the two of us, but distance is really not helping on that matter. Those panic moments can also lead to miscommunication, because I hear what I expected to hear and then I freak out. I need him to reassure me everything’s alright from time to time. I personally think that’s the worst side effect of doing the long distance.
And although I’ve never really been through that, I know jealousy can also play a huge part in LDRs. During my panic moments, I guess I could be jealous if the opportunity ever arose, because everyone knows jealousy is all about being insecure (if you have no reason to be jealous). I’m just lucky it never happened.
3. Being in a LDR can bring the worst in you
And it probably will.
What I mean by “the worst in you” is all those insecurities you had with your previous partners will increase tenfold. If you were jealous, dependant, or would get angry easily in your previous relationships, don’t expect it to be better in a long distance one. It brings the worst in you because most of the time, you are alone and second-guessing your relationship. “Is it all worth it? Does he/she still love me? Is he/she with someone else right now?” are common thoughts you’ll go through. Somehow, not being able to see the person and be physically with them leads to more insecurities. So if you were already a very insecure person, again, I suggest you think twice before starting an LDR.
That being said, I really think that doing the long distance can lead to a good experience. You will learn how to deal with life on your own by being independant, and that’s always a good thing. You also have to try harder to understand each other, because communication is all you have in a long distance relationship.
4. Miscommunications are more likely to happen
Miscommunication and fights are, like in any relationships, part of the LDR. I kind of like (soft) fighting when it’s done the good way, because I think it’s important to continually try to readjust ourselves in the relationship and also know when something is not ok. What I don’t like is the fact that in a long distance relationship, you can just go away from your computer when you don’t want to talk about something. It makes the “fights” a lot less real and productive. Sometimes I would like to take Hitomi’s face in my hands, make him look at me and say “What’s wrong?”, perfectly knowing that he can’t escape. But in a long distance relationship, it’s different; he can always escape if he wants to — and I dislike it very much.
5. You might feel useless
Another awful point is; sometimes you might feel like you’re not a part of your partner’s life. I surely feel that way sometimes. Don’t get me wrong — I know I’m important for him and that he cares about me. But it seems that because you were not there when this or that happened, you feel a bit “out of it”, and sometimes useless. I know it might sounds too motherly, but when he’s sick, I just wished I could take care of him properly instead of just saying “I hope you get better soon”.
All right now, I know it seems like there’s a lot more bad sides than good sides. Well, I don’t have an excuse for that; long distance relationships suck, no matter how you put it. Sorry about that. That being said, there is one special thing that I had never felt in my entire life before doing the LDR; and that’s the moment when you see the person you love after a long period of time being apart. I can’t express how it feels; you got to live it to understand. Just think of all the love you felt in your life, and put it all together at the same time for one person. It is hands down one of the strongest feeling I’ve ever had.
Have you guys every been in a long distance relationship? How did it work out for you? Don’t be afraid to share your LDR story in the comments!