Japan-aholic

A blog about culture and love in Japan

10 Comments/Stereotypes I’m Tired Of Hearing (AMWF Relationship)

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This is a touchy post. It took me a while before I decided to write about it, partly because, as a Caucasian woman dating an Asian man, it’s something I have to deal with almost everyday of my life and it makes me a bit sad/angry when I talk about it. I prefer writing about cool stuffs and happy moments, but this is also very important to me.

Here are the most common stereotypes, insults or comments I was told to or could hear related to AMWF (Asian Male White Female) relationships. The comments I got from when I was in Canada and those I got from when I’m in Japan are a little different, so I decided to part this post in two.

Part One : The comments coming from people living in Canada

1. What I was told: Are you trying all the races?

I got that a lot of times, probably because I dated three men in my life : the first was Caucasian, the second was African, and now my current boyfriend is Asian. But it’s ok, I understand. I can’t lie: I thought about that joke too when I started dating Hitomi.

But what I don’t like is that some people think I’m “trying” other nationalities because I like to “experiment” (oh Gosh…). I’ll just say this: we don’t decide who we fall in love with.

What I think about it: Jokes are fine with me, but I must admit I would prefer if they could keep that one for themselves. I think I simply have a greater chance to fall in love with someone who isn’t from the same culture as mine because I like traveling and I’m studying international relations. That doesn’t mean I’m doing a habit of “trying” people.

I just like discovering new cultures!

I just like discovering new cultures!

2. What I was told: You’re just trying to find yourself.

Please, just please, don’t. I’m trying to find myself? So, I was perfectly fine all those passed years of my life, but right now because I’m dating a Japanese man, this is supposed to mean that I’m confused about what I want in life? I know exactly where I’m going and who I want to be with, thank-you-very-much.

What I think about it: They probably think I’m confused because they are confused about my choices. Psychological projection anyone?

3. What I heard: Do you have the Yellow Fever?

“Yellow Fever” is a (kinda racist) term applied to people who have a preference towards Asians. Nobody ever told me that one, but I heard about it recently. I just couldn’t believe it. What is that supposed to mean? Ah, so because a “White” person is dating an Asian, of course they must have a fetish or something. Or else, how someone could explain such a strange phenomenon?

How about because they love each other?

What I think about it: I know there’s probably people who say that and don’t think bad of it. They just say it as a joke — or even seriously, but without any malice.

But I also personally don’t understand when somebody says “I want an Asian boyfriend” — although I’m not judging. I just think it’s the same as saying “I want to date only in my own race”. I get the fact that you can be more attracted to certain physical traits or culture, but saying “I want to date a Japanese” for example is really weird in my opinion. It’s like reducing all the complex facets of a personality and feelings that make everybody unique to only a nationality (or looks, which is even worse). There’s idiots everywhere and in every culture, being Asian is not an exception. What about just falling in love with the right person, regardless of their nationality/looks? Maybe that’s why I don’t understand the whole “Yellow Fever” thing, because for me it just doesn’t exist.

I started dating Hitomi because it felt right. I don’t care about his nationality. He is who he is. (This also applies for the “Are you trying all the races?” thing).

wpid-img_20140426_020652.jpg

But I admit that Japan is a beautiful country to live in!

4. What I was told: Ching-chang-chong!

Unfortunately a classic.

Asia is a very big continent (the biggest in the world), where you can find many many different spoken languages and cultures. When someone says “Ching-chang-chong”, which is usually wrongly associated with Mandarin (Chinese), it’s like saying there’s only China in Asia. There’s ~1,2 billion of people that speaks Chinese; that person is then denying all the other ~3,1 billion people living in Asia who don’t speak Chinese. It’s not even close to Chinese. Saying Japanese and Chinese are the same is like saying German and English are the same. Same roots, yes — but different languages and countries. The sound of the language is different. Japanese and Chinese are mostly not sharing the same alphabets. They don’t even have the same culture and political beliefs.

What I think about it: That’s a (bad) joke which let us have a peek of the (probably non-existent) general knowledge of the person saying it. So let’s just say that’s ignorance.

5. What I was told: But Asian men look like girls! They are so feminine!

Well, that’s to each people standards I guess.

What I think about it: Beauty standards are different in each country around the world. What makes you think certain behaviors are more manly than others is only a reflection of the society you grew up in. It’s the society that dictates the gender roles and the “ideal” man/woman look. It tells you what is a masculine male, what is a straight masculine male, and what is feminine. You are not even conscious of that until you go travel and open up to new cultures. Each country has a different idea of what is masculine and what is feminine. That doesn’t mean that Asians guys look like girls, and that West guys are big hairy and smelly monsters.

[For more, check out Stereotypes : Ignorance Or Superiority Complex?]

6. What I was told: Oh, your boyfriend looks like *insert the name of a famous Asian actor*!

This one isn’t too bad because sometimes it can be disguised as a compliment. I myself thought “This guy could play in a drama” when I saw Hitomi for the first time.

hitomi_wearing_kimono.jpg

Yup, drama time!

What I think about it: I’m just a bit tired of people saying “Asians all look the same”. I don’t think they look the same at all. It also applies to what I said in this post; the more you are in contact with other cultures, the more you get used to it. Even the famous Asian eyes have as many different shapes as Caucasian eyes if you pay attention.

I guess Asians could say we kind of all look the same in the West as well…

7. What I was told: But he probably has a small… well, you know…?

Ugh. Why are we having this conversation again?

I’m so used to it that most people asking those sexual questions don’t even have the time to finish their sentence before I cut them short. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of people who asked me how Hitomi and I met and what’s his name without any sexual allusion. It’s quite sad. Most of the people just ask me straight if the infamous “statistics” are true — and that’s the kindest way they found to ask me such things — and then procedes to the usual and normal questions.

What I think about it:  As a Westerner, I knew those stereotypes existed because I grew up with them, but I never would have thought that people would honestly ask me those sexual questions without seeing it as something hurtful or downright pervert. I never would have thought I would live what I now understand as being one of the biggest racist comment widely accepted worldwide as being a “racial characteristic” (just these words are disgusting to me).

Part Two: The comments coming from people living in Japan

1. What I was told: Why are you dating a Japanese?

Why not? Is it against the law?

What I think about it: As I said earlier; I don’t care about his nationality. I care about his character, if he takes care of me, if he’s kind, if I can talk to him easily, if we see things and the future the same way, if we get along well. That’s what is important. Him being a Japanese is just where he was born and grew up.

wpid-dscn0147.jpg

We really don’t care at all

2. What I was told: What are you doing with him?

What do you mean, what I’m doing with him? Am I supposed to have a specific and universally accepted reason or goal to date him?

What I think about it: This is a real underlying problem in Japan, much more important than just this question and something that I can’t fully explain here.

In my opinion, foreigners (and especially “White” people) are way overrated in Japan. So overrated that most of my boyfriend’s entourage (and sometimes even his family) don’t understand why we’re dating. In their eyes, he must have tricked me into dating him or something. Or I’m the one being crazy. Or I want something from him.

They really don’t see it as something natural, which really makes me sad, because Hitomi is an awesome and kind and wonderful human being, but only because he’s Asian and I’m Caucasian, some people in Japan don’t understand why we’re together. It’s the same reaction as the stereotypical nerd guy who’s dating the blonde girl with big breasts in the West; nobody understands how it happened.

Unless, I’m really normal. I’m not a sex-bomb at all.

And Hitomi is handsome. He really is.

And even if he wasn’t, what does it have to do with our relationship? Why is everyone judging our relationship based on our nationalities and looks?

3. What I was told: You’re way out of his league.

soba-time-with-hitomi

I’m sorry, I’m failing to see how I’m out of his league

Oh, come on! Is that supposed to be a compliment? Because honestly, I don’t take it as such. At all. It’s kind of insulting, for me AND for my boyfriend.

What I think about it: Same thing as I just explained above; foreigners being overrated.

Conclusion: the comments I got in Canada and those I got in Japan are a bit different, but basically it’s the same thing: ignorance of other cultures and following the stereotypes.

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How about you guys? Did you hear those stereotypes/comments in your life? If you are in an AMWF relationship, did you come across those comments?

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Author: Jasmine

Jasmine is a 20-something years old French-Canadian student and part-time blogger who loves traveling, drawing, listening to (all kind of) music and eating (everything). To achieve one of her biggest dream, she went in Japan for two months and a half as a tourist in 2013. She was an exchange student at Daito Bunka University in Saitama (near Tokyo) during the year 2014 - 2015. She is now studying to eventually become a nurse back in Canada, so she lacks time to write about Japan. You can still read all her posts on her blog, since she'll let them there for you to enjoy :)

81 thoughts on “10 Comments/Stereotypes I’m Tired Of Hearing (AMWF Relationship)

  1. I’ve spent all my life being told “oh you just have yellow fever”.

    As a young child, my first crush was a young boy from Hawaii who was half-Japanese. That stuck with me, my whole life I thought Asian guys (I mean all Asian) were more handsome then the guys I was around. But I didn’t cut them off, all my boy friends have been Caucasian.

    But any time I ever voiced that opinion, I was told that, “you have yellow fever” and if it wasn’t that “you’re just dreaming, you will never be good enough for an Asian man,” so much so, that it’s almost like a personal mantra. The newest one, and I fight this one hard, “your just a Weeaboo” it’s insulting to someone that actually has a real interest in learning Accurate truth about Japanese culture, and not what you learn through media.

    Because of it, I had even turned down chances with Asian men in college. Just because I don’t know if it’s true, if I only think he’s cute because he’s Asian. If I only like him because I have a huge fascination with Asia and all the different cultures and countries there, since I was a child, taught to me by my father when I was still living with him. I distance myself, discouraging Asian guys to like me, telling him he wouldn’t be happy with me, he’ll find another girl soon that is better.

    I grew up with my grandmother, she is very old fashion, and Asian isn’t the only race I’ve turned away. I’ve had chances to date African American men and even Middle Eastern. But fear of being disowned by the only relative I had left that still wanted me around meant that I dated only what I was allowed, White Caucasian guys. Ironically enough, they have all hurt me in some of the worst ways. But she always told me I can be friends with these other races, that is always ok, but that we shouldn’t mix, shouldn’t date for our happiness sake and future children’s happiness.

    And even now, recently a girl, who was good friends with a group I was hanging out with, started dating a Chinese student. It was like a light switch had been flicked, and she no longer hung around, and all I ever heard the group say were vile racist things. About her, and him, some of these things I can’t even repeat. And it went farther then beyond just her relationship, they insulted her as a human being, because she started dating this Chinese man. What disturbed me the most is that they laughed about it, no one actually sounded angry about it, and they thought the whole idea of her dating him was a joke. They made bets on how long it would last. Then I found out that she had been thrown out of her apartment, she had nowhere to go, and he let her move in with him. It was at that point, that they stopped talking about her all together and just referred to her as the slut living with that Asian guy. They are, literally the only couple on campus that is AMWF, and the vicious towards it prevents any others from starting. But WMAF is acceptable, there are plenty of those. (And yes, I don’t hang out with that group anymore; I choose to just be alone, sleeping my breaks in between class away on a couch)

    It’s kind of expected because I’m located deep in the old south of the United States. When I talk to people online, and I have students who ask me where they should go to school, I tell them, not to come here, I feel wrong for it, but I don’t want them to have a bad time or to encounter the blind racism.

    And now, there’s a young man, who I’ve known for so long, he’s Chinese, and he’s so kind and sweet and I really like him. I had at one time tried to get his attention, before I was told I should give up as I would never be good enough for a Chinese man. Now he tells me he wants to know me, and wants to become good friends, but I feel bad, because I’m too confused and scared, and I am doing it again, trying to discourage him. Encouraging him to look elsewhere, and to move to a different state. Even though I really like him and want to talk to him more and more to.

    So, I guess my point to all this is, I enjoy reading these, it gives me some relief that maybe I am not crazy, and it’s ok that I think Asian men are more attractive than the American men that I grew up around. And one day, the right one, no matter what race, will come around, and sweep me away.

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    • I’m so sorry I didn’t reply to you earlier. I’m not blogging anymore (stopped in 2015) so I guess that’s why I didn’t see your comment! But thanks to a troll commenting on another one of my posts I could see yours! Hahaha

      I’m so sorry to hear all your tragic experience. Maybe “tragic” seems to be over the top but I really felt like that while reading your comment. I can’t believe the world can still be so racist… so much that you can’t love freely. That’s such a shame. I understand your dilemma, but I think maybe your grandmother would understand? I hope everything is well and I hope you finally dated that Chinese guy you talked about. Because I fear you will regret it if you don’t 😦

      I hope you’ll have the greatest love and still be surrounded by family ❤ Everyone deserves that!

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  3. I enjoyed reading this a lot. when i studied japanese I found it odd how the guys in my class would only date japanese girls, and I got fed up of being asked if i lived in Asia because I had yellow fever. After four years in China I know realise how insular and ignorant a lot of people from all over the world can be.

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  4. Questions related to the size of-you-know-what are the rudest in my opinion. Even if the he had a huge/tiniest package on the planet, it is the partner’s problem to deal/ live with, not that of the person who is asking. Maybe asking back “how can you live/ deal with such a regular package like that of your partner” might wake them up to the reality of their rudeness.. ? (assuming it’s women wondering about this aspect. I can think of a similar question for guys as well if i try hard enough, lol)

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    • I know right? It’s crazy how stereotypes make those rude questions acceptable in our society. Sometimes I doubt they even realize how rude and racist it sounds O.o

      Liked by 1 person

      • I think these rude questions became “acceptable” because many of us grew up hearing them – me included. but now i realize, it DOES NOT MATTER 1 bit! the person’s personality is more important than their package and anything else. [checking out the rest of your blog as i type this 😉 instead of working, of course xD ]

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    • Because Asian people are less likely to fight against racist remarks. Asians are taught to be peaceful and do not initiate conflicts. Will a white person say to someone who is dating a black man that “but he probably has pretty low IQ…”? No.

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  5. Hey! Interesting post. Strange how people react to things they aren’t used to. Other than that, I don’t understand the racism thing, you two look lovely together! 🙂

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  6. the strangest experience i’ve had related to this post was when my chinese fiancé and I first started dating. His mother did not believe that he could POSSIBLY have a caucasian girlfriend and we had to kiss on FaceTime to prove it to her! It was ridiculous, but I found it kinda funny.

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  7. This is an interesting post and also interesting to read the comments of other people’s experiences. I dated a Japanese guy for about six years but I have to say that I very rarely encountered any of these kinds of comments.

    We lived in both Australia and Japan and mostly people were curious about the cultural differences more than the appearance side of things. Maybe because we are both more average-looking than really beautiful/handsome?!? I think if someone had told me ‘You’re way out of his league’ I’d laugh at how ridiculous that is! It’s funny how beauty standards change when you live in another country – just shows that it’s what’s beneath the skin is way more important.

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    • It’s totally crazy how beauty standards change from a country to another like that! I’m not perceived the same way in Canada as I am in Japan AT ALL which is kind of awkward.
      I noticed either people had about the same experience as me, or just didn’t hear any bad comments at all. You’re on the lucky side! 🙂

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  8. those are some really rude questions / reactions o_o

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  9. Some white people love their race theories.
    Some cultures are full of ignorance.
    The world won’t stop spinning however.

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  10. Well articulated Jasmine. My wife and I gave been married two years. She’s Estonian and I am asian Canadian. Get all the “your kids will be beautiful” comments all the time to which I laugh about and respond sometimes, “yes, they will”, “does that mean yours will not ?” Keep the posts coming. There is a correlation I believe between the well travelled and the open mind. People stratify together looking for common beliefs and belonging; proximity has a lot to do with it. If everyone was mandated to travel and live abroad in different parts of the world in their youth, this world would be very different as perspectives will change. Everyone has a story. Not everyone listens to stories outside of their comfort zone. Keep the posts coming.

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    • Thank you very much 😀
      I didn’t post for a while now, but I have a few articles waiting in line to be finished! I’ll try to keep posting, as I really like to be in contact with readers like you!
      I also think the world would be different if everyone traveled at least once, and outside their comfort zone.
      Thanks for the comment!

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      • You guys look like a great couple! I would be curious to hear about how Hitomi’s adventure to Quebec City transpired. Family? Cultural differences, Quebec City itself is fairly different then say Montreal, so he may leave thinking Canada is more Québécois…lol! The AMWF thing actually seems to be more common now, I think. In BC, quite common, both ways ( ie AFWM), while in Ontario, not uncommon. At the end of the day, it’s about indivduals, people and not races. You only know what you experience, live and learn. Unfortunately, some live in a bubble of ignorance, perpetuated by a closed mind. Looking forward to Hitomi’s Adventure tales!

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        • Hitomi is probably going to have a lot more adventures in Canada, as we might spend some time there together in the near future. Nothing is set yet, but we’re looking into it! I’m looking forward to it too actually 😀
          I also told him many times that Quebec is very different from the rest of Canada (even though I know “the rest of Canada” is not a homogeneous thing either!). I think he himself felt the difference a bit in Toronto!

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  11. I cannot count how many of these I have faced. I am indian and my fiancé is chinese. When we were first together, in the US, I got almost all of those comments : Why are you dating him? Does he have a small..? Why asian guys, are they attractive to you? And even: you can do so much better.. bla bla. He also got similar comments. Is she a US national, if not for passport why would you be with her. At some point he got: You can do so much better. Well, good to know we are both considered so hot by people that even our hot SO’s aren’t hot enough for us.

    But seriously, it is primarily ignorance. The comfort and love we share is much bigger than these sorts of annoying assumptions people make. Also, these assumptions don’t have get at the depth of a relationship. During our courtship we faced quite a bit of racism from literally all parts of society. But we also got encouragement and support from all parts. It gave me hope and made me realise that people are ultimately people. Some good… some not so good and some just ignorant.

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    • That’s true, I also got support from all parts. Maybe I should write an article about that! As much as there are people out there who think it’s weird to see us together, there are people who believe in us and find intercultural relationships beautiful!

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  12. I just get death stares from white women and disgusted look from white women in the States when it comes to my marriage with a Taiwanese guy. I swear one guy was going to punch me in the face. People don’t say anything but they honestly don’t have to – they make it quite clear with their faces. One time were refused service at a restaurant because they didn’t like the fact that we were interracial couple.

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    • Seriously?! I’m so sorry, that’s awful! I don’t know why so many people are against intercultural couples. What’s the big deal?

      Do you think you were treated like that because your husband is asian, or just because you’re an interracial couple? Do you think it would have been different if your husband was, say, an African American for example?

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    • You were refused service in a restaurant? Where was this? That’s awful!! I am Chinese and my wife is white (parents from eastern Europe), we have been married for 25 years and have a daughter. We have lived in Canada, the US, and various Asian countries (due to my job), and fortunately never experienced anything close to that.

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  13. To Frya –
    This is a blog which has nothing to do with anti-race mixing or racist white people bitching about losing #1 spot in the world (there are already forums for that elsewhere), and I normally don’t care what you lunatics discuss or vent about there, but since you’re coming here to our space, allow me to respond in kind.

    It always gives me great joy to see a member of the most privileged race on earth snivel and whine about how hard they think have it and this so called genocide bullshit and also try to convince others of their victimhood. If you didn’t want all us dirty non-whites in “your countries” then maybe you should build a time machine and tell your ancestors to fuck off and not rape/pillage the rest of the world for cheap labour and resources. Because as it stands now, nothing is more hilarious than watching you losers cry when you’re not even being forcibly killed or displaced, but losing at your own game. Make living conditions elsewhere shitty enough with your demand for cheap goods and supporting corrupt corporations and keep watching “your” (as if your skin colour, which you did not pick at birth or have any part in determining, entitles you to anything) lands being flooded by the rest of the world. Hopefully those guns you nuts have stockpiled for the race wars you’re all masturbating so seriously for end up being used for your own suicide, then you can claim a self fulfilling prophecy.

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  14. I think you are just a boring personality and want this interracial thing to pop-up. You wouldn’t have any subject to blog about, if you where dating a white guy. That’s why you first turned black and now asian. And I think you want everybody to know that you have sex, if a child is coming, which will look nothing like you. With whites having more to lose in the interracial sexbattle. You child will never be white, not your grandchild or great-grandchild. And the white population Worldwide are becoming extinct by immigration, interracial and less children. Having only a few old white folk don’t perserve a race or ethnicity

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  15. You write down: So overrated that most of my boyfriend’s entourage (and sometimes even his family) don’t understand why we’re dating. In their eyes, he must have tricked me into dating him or something. Or I’m the one being crazy. Or I want something from him. They really don’t see it as something natural, which really makes me sad.

    Did it even come to mind that you are doing something unnatural, and that all the others are right.

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  16. Very interesting post. I have been with my Japanese man for over 10 years now. I’m Dutch. We met as students in the US, endured a 3 year LDR between Japan and Belgium/Netherlands, we lived in Japan together for 3 years, then lived in the US again for another 3 years, and last year we moved to the UK together. So as an AMWF couple we have encountered many different people from different cultures but we’ve never really encountered such racially based negativity about our relationship. I now realize we have been very lucky.

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  17. First I would like to say you guys are beautiful together. I absolutely love this post! I am currently in an interracial relationship, so I totally understand the frustration.

    No. 3; I hate that so much and I also think it is a bit racist/ignorant. I had never heard ‘yellow fever’ before the post, but it immediately made me think of ‘jungle fever.’
    No. 7; How inappropriate? Like really, if someone and their significant other are the same race, you would never ask such a question, however, because they’re interracially dating, it suddenly becomes OK? I don’t think so. I get so tired of people asking me this.
    No. 3 (Pt II); Talk about a slap in the face! My boyfriend and I get this a lot and its rude. If you’re obviously attracted to your significant other, whats does it matter how outsiders feel? Like why do they assume we care to hear their opinion?

    My goodness. Anyways, I love this post and love the blog. Happy blogging.

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    • Thank you~ 😀

      There was a time when I thought maybe I was the one being oversensitive with those things people said, but now after all the comments I received from people like you who are going through the same thing, I feel some kind of support and I now know I’m not the only one freaking out haha!

      So thank you! And let’s fight those stereotypes all together!

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Hello! I’m a little late but I was wondering if the comments you’ve gotten in Japan tend to come from women or men?

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    • Hi! It’s never too late to receive comments/questions here 😀
      The “Why are you dating him?” question comes from both genders really, but the “You’re way out of his league” usually comes from men. Also, men tend to try doing a high five to my boyfriend or somewhat praise him in any way when they find out we’re together. It’s VERY awkward.

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      • Well, my sense of it is that women and men ask the “Why are you dating him” question for different reasons. The guys are dismissing him alright. The women, on the other hand, are just behaving in a manner society wants them to. They are really asking “Is it really okay to date a Japanese/non-white person? Why I be looked down upon by family and friends if I do so.” But I’m over here and guessing. You saw their body language so you have a more accurate picture. =)

        Not to be a cold blanket but I do feel like I’m out of your league when I see White women in informal situations. I saw a really beautiful girl in a train a while back. We were on both ends of the car. And I didn’t want to look at her because she must feel out of place in a foreign country and I didn’t want to make her feel more uncomfortable. Later, an Asian woman collapsed in the train about 6 feet from her and lo and behold she was first to walk over to her and assist her while everyone else stood watching. Well, I almost collapsed myself – a drop dead gorgeous girl with a HEART! Alas, we didn’t alight at the same stop. =(

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        • Last weekend I got the “Is Hitomi a good man? Is he handsome? What do you like most about him?” questions (again). I didn’t talk about it in my post because it’s not a direct insult or ignorance or whatever, but it’s still SO awkward, especially coming from his friends and family. Like, shouldn’t you know if he’s a good man or not? Anyway. It’s very weird, especially since I never had those kind of questions ever in my life before dating Hitomi.

          Why do you feel out of their league? I can understand if it’s a beautiful man/woman, then maybe you feel out of their league, but is it only applying when you meet White women? What I mean is, does it have anything to do with ethnicities, or do you also feel out of their league if it’s a beautiful Asian too?

          I think you’re consideration about how she might feel out of place in a foreign country is very cute! 🙂
          It’s actually a bit true. I mean, everybody can look and there’s nothing wrong with that, but sometimes I myself grow tired of always being remembered I’m the odd one out by being stared at.

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          • Having members of the Asian community wondering ALOUD about such a coupling is nothing new. I’m utterly convinced that it occurs all around Asia not just in Japan. I recently had female colleagues telling me over lunch that White culture is superior to ours, within the context of a discussion of the perception of Asian men in Western countries. If I were you I would send a strong message to his family and friends by way of some intense PDA. =) Hopefully, shocking imagery will expand their little minds.

            I would say I feel inadequate when it comes to White women about my age regardless of looks. I feel like I won’t measure up culturally for the most part. Since we are from different worlds I wonder what on earth would I say to her, what would we do together, would such a relationship last, so on and so forth. I don’t think about such things when it comes to pretty Asian women. It’s sad I know.

            Yeah, being kind is always the way to go.

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            • You may be from different countries, but there are still common values and beliefs all over the world. We’re not that different 🙂

              And, since you come from a different background, the conversation is even more interesting. You could say anything, everything, it doesn’t matter. Chemistry between two people has nothing to do with nationality, but with personality and physical attraction. You can do the same things that you would do with an Asian partner. Seriously, the things Hitomi and I did were awesome, and we have wonderful conversations, too. I think it can even be amplified with the fact that you don’t share the same culture, because even the smallest thing that seems normal to you might be interesting for the other. Also, doing traditional stuff and explaining things about your culture becomes more interesting for both people 🙂

              Don’t be afraid to approach someone who you are interested in, whether that person is Asian or not! It doesn’t matter 😀

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  19. I think this shows how socially ingrained racism/prejudice (specifically against Asian men in this case) is within our society. If you were to ask each person who’s asked you these questions if they were racist, of course every one of them would probably deny it. But at they same time the questions they ask you are incredibly racist! Their cognitive dissonance is apparent, and it’s really sad.

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  20. I did my university degree in Canada and had a long-term (about 2 1/2 years) boyfriend who was Korean Canadian. Except for the “ching-chang-chong” racist “joke” from a few family members (who, of course, acted offended when I told them it was racist and that they should stop… I love my family, but they can be HUGE jerks about some stuff), I was lucky not to have to deal with much crap from people. Part of it, I’m sure, had to do with the fact that my friend group was like 90% Asians (to the point where we had a running joke about me being the “token white girl”) and the fact that I was living in a city with a high Asian population.

    I’ve had 3 Japanese boyfriends since coming to Japan and I’ve never gotten much comments about it. None of my boyfriends have lasted all that long (the longest was about 7 months and we weren’t that close), though, so that might have something to do with it. Although I do have to say that when new acquaintances (both male and female) ask me about my dating history, they are often surprised that I have dated Japanese men (much less had three boyfriends!) and that I prefer Japanese people to non-Japanese people for dating. But, seriously, I’ve been here for almost a decade, have assimilated fairly well into the culture, will be getting my citizenship as soon as I can, and think of Japan as my “home”. Why WOULDN’T I prefer to be with someone who belongs to the same culture and wants to live in the same country as me? Plus, if I ended up with a partner who didn’t speak Japanese then I would be stuck doing all the stuff I hate doing for myself (filing various paperwork, calling up customer support if there’s a problem with my bills or whatever, etc etc) for TWO people. No thanks.

    Anyway. I am totally flabbergasted at all the “you are out of his league” stuff that you and Hitomi get. Like, firstly, even if it WAS true (spoiler: it’s not), that’s a totally rude thing to say. Secondly, he’s so obviously conventionally attractive by Japanese standards I can’t help but wonder if these people are parroting the stereotypes without actually taking even one second to actually look at you two as people. Like, you’re cute. He’s cute. You both fit into the conventional beauty standards of Japan. Even if “leagues” were an actual thing (hint: they aren’t), you two STILL would be well matched.

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    • I felt numerous times that he somewhat doesn’t fit in the Japanese standards by the way people react toward our relationship (while I, weirdly enough, seem to fit more in the Japanese standards than the Canadian ones!), but you’re right — they might just be parroting. I think it goes beyond physical features; it’s just not that common for a Japanese man to date a Western woman. Anyway, thanks for your comments 😀

      And by the way, I completely understand why you would be more attracted to Japanese men when living in Japan. I think it’s just natural if you feel comfortable here!

      Like

  21. so true. I hear the same stuff all the time. I just started bloging. I am getting married and moving to korea. I am marrying a Korean guy. So i hear the same comments all the time

    Like

    • Aww that’s too bad!
      Anyway, don’t let those comments get you down! I hope you will have a nice wedding and a easy time moving to Korea 🙂 I’ve always wanted to visit that country!
      I’ll check out your blog!

      Like

      • Yeah sometimes it gets annoyling but i just strug it off. Thanks i can’t wait i am so excited. Korea is a great country i love it when i am there and so happy that this time i will be stay for atleast two years or until daniel is ready to move haha. Yes please do i am going to be starting a youtube channel too. So please look out for that post proclaiming it ready.

        Like

  22. Oh wow. Luckily I’ve not gotten any of the “from Canada” kind of responses when I’m home in America. But I’m from a very liberal city where interracial couples are pretty normal.

    In Japan though, I get all of those! From my in-laws too! There is this big “why?” that people have and we have to explain ourselves. A bird loving a fish, we don’t belong together so there MUST be some reason. I used to explain with a long story of how we met but now I just usually say “because I like him.”

    Like

    • I’m happy to hear that!
      But yeah, like you said, it feels like “a bird loving a fish” thing when they ask those questions. Glad (but sad at the same time) I’m not alone!

      Like

  23. I’ve been lucky enough to avoid some of the really weird and gross comments/questions that I know some of my friends have gotten… But even yesterday I was asked “No but really, you’re really prettyーwhy are you with a Japanese guy?” (From a Japanese acquaintance.) >_> I wanted to face palm right there and thenーeven if looks mattered….argh. (So same as your number 3.)
    Can always hope that people will gradually learn. Anyway, can’t please everyone I guess. People seem to enjoy having issues with stuff that has nothing to do with them. 😛

    Like

    • THAT question exactly. Total face palm. Especially when it comes from people that are more or less close to my boyfriend… I just want to say “Aren’t you able to tell why I’m with him? Don’t you know him?” to them.

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  24. Thanks for this post! It’s surprising to hear comments like these from people you know (or worse – people you don’t know), and it can be hurtful. I try to remember that their opinion means nothing to my relationship, but it can still be frustrating. I appreciate this post and the comments because it reminds me that I’m not the only one experiencing rude comments!

    Like

    • I actually don’t know which is worse; getting those comments by people you don’t know, or getting them by people you know very well and never thought they would say such things.
      Thank you for reading and leaving a comment 😀
      Let’s all fight those stupid stereotypes together~

      Like

  25. I have heard the same thing too. I hear the sex one a lot because I work around really slutty girls. To which I always tell them I have only been with him so I am not stretched out like some whore so I don’t need a big cough cough. Then they just shut up and anyway it’s none of thier business

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    • Um… Just so you know the “stretching out” of the vagina is 100% a myth. Your vagina is a pathway of *muscles*, and like any muscle they become more flexible with stretching and less flexible when not stretched. You can read more about it here: 4 Myths About Virginity or just google the subject.

      Also, just so you know calling women “slut” and “whore” in a derogatory fashion is not universally thought of as OK. Those terms are extremely judgmental and can be hurtful to people.

      Like

  26. I don’t usually get any negative comments on our pairing from people in Austria. In China, people think my husband must be really awesome to be able to “catch” a Western wife. He’s awesome, but not because he’s married to a “Western wife”. We’re just normal people. The ching chang chong thing would be offensive even if your boyfriend was Chinese.

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    • I agree with you completely. I just want to reply to them that we’re normal, too!
      And “ching-chang-chong” is definitely offensive, wherever you’re from!

      Like

  27. such a great article!! you really put in words what makes me angry/sad as well.. I got to hear the same questions very often.. I always feel I have to defend my relationship! It’s good to read about someone with the same experience 🙂

    Like

    • Thank you~
      I’m happy too to know that there’s people who understand my situation!
      In Canada, I feel like I have to defend my relationship, and also prove wrong some of the stereotypes.
      In Japan, I feel like I have to explain WHY I’m with him and HOW and “wow that’s crazy” type of thing.
      Gah.

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  28. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with rude people. In general, I don’t get a reaction from my Western friends any more than my Japanese ones. Mostly surprise, “How’d you meet? Are you happy? That’s nice.”

    I actually think he gets more grief. No one believes him when he tells them his girlfriend is an American, even his family thought he was full of it until we met. Now his mom introduces me as future daughter and all the obachans respond with the most bewildered face.

    Like

    • Oh that’s so sad!
      When I met his grandmother, it was one of the most funny and awkward moment of my life. I was the first foreigner she saw in her entire life, so…
      I guess she didn’t believe it either until she saw me!

      Like

  29. It’s bad to say someone looks like an actor? I don’t know about Hitomi, but I would love it if someone tells me I look like Andy Lau or Takuya Kimura 😉 … even though it is not true..

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    • Hahaha!
      Just like I said, it’s not always bad and can sometimes be a compliment, but I don’t like it if there’s obviously no similarities between the actor they’re talking about and Hitomi, but they say that anyway just because they think every Asians look the same. THAT is something I don’t like, because it’s not true and it’s just ignorance to think so.

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  30. Ugh, I don’t get people. I used to be in a LDR with a Chinese guy from Ontario (I’m in Nova Scotia) and I would get comments about “yellow fever” as well. In fact, I STILL get them when I even mention this guy. It’s ridiculous. I don’t get why people think those sorts of comments are ok.

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  31. Quel beau texte! Je suis venue les yeux ronds à quelques reprises en lisant les commentaires / questions que tu as reçut!

    Pour ma part, l’important est que tu sois heureuse! C’est également le “feeling” ce que Hitomi dégage en tant qu’homme et il m’a fait tres bonne impression!

    Pis ben Léa l’aime alors tout est dit 😉

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    • Oh merci! Je suis contente que tu me lises (même si c’est anglais et que c’est un peu plate pour ça!).
      Je suis contente qu’il t’ait fait bonne impression! J’étais un peu inquiète à propos de ça parce que c’est difficile de bien comprendre la personnalité de quelqu’un quand il y a la barrière de la langue.
      C’était trop drôle avec Léa! Hihihi

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      • Tu écris d’une façon facile à lire et ça me fait pratiquer mon anglais 🙂 et le regard franc ne trompe pas peu importe la langue 🙂

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  32. I have also expressed interest in Japanese men and I always get the same responses! Why do you like Asians? Your babies will be ugly because he’s Asian, etc. So rude.

    When I left for Japan I often heard, “Don’t bring home a chinker!”

    People are going to talk regardless. They’re going to say ignorant things. Unfortunately, unless you’ve lived abroad or traveled, you don’t get rid of some of these ignorances. (Even then, some people are still ignorant.)

    In some ways we do live in a world that sees black and white. What belongs and what doesn’t. Americans, Canadians and Japanese are all the same. As humans we look to put things in categories and if some people don’t understand… Well, their minds explode.

    Great post and thanks for sharing. Love has no rules. Only feelings!

    Like

    • I’m sorry you had those comments, too. Very insulting!
      In a way, I like to think that I can help fighting against those stereotypes by myself being in an “atypical” relationship, so that when I hear such comments, I can respond and maybe lift up some of their ignorance.
      But sometimes the racism is just too strong. It makes me really sad.

      Like

    • I got the opposite remark regarding babies when my Dutch family and friends found out I was dating a Japanese man. They kept saying how beautiful our babies would be because he’s Asian. We’ll find out soon enough if they were right, since I am growing our half Japanese baby in my belly now ;).

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      • Haha that’s nice then! But as much as I don’t understand the stereotypes I wrote in this post, I also don’t understand the “Ah, you’re babies will be so beautiful, because they will be mixed!”. I don’t know… I feel a bit awkward when I hear that!

        Congratulations on your pregnancy 😀

        Liked by 2 people

  33. I only once heard that I’m betraying ‘Slavic race’ but other than that I cannot recall nothing bad

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    • Betraying the “Slavic race”, really? Waw. That’s quite intense!
      You’re lucky you didn’t get any other bad comments! I envy you!
      What about your husband? Did the people around him asked him weird things?

      Like

    • Oh~ I get the “betraying the Slavic race” thing too!

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    • I am Chinese and I married my wife who is white whose parents came from the former country of Yogoslavia. When we announced that we were engaged, her uncle said that she was “mixing the blood”. But other than that, luckily we never had any other issues, we never felt that we are discriminating against in any shape or form, never been felt uncomfortable by other people’s comments or behaviors intended or unintended. Considering these: we have been now married for 25 years with a teenage daughter. In the first 15 years we lived in a small town in Ontario/Canada, where not only that I was the only Asian person, but also that we were the only mixed couple, and on top of that this was in the 80’s. Since then we have visited her family in Slovenia and stayed there for a month, they treated us no differently. Due to my job, we have lived as ex pat family in Belgium, Japan, China, Singapore and India. In all of these places, we didn’t feel any differently. Maybe we are lucky.

      Like

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